Sniff What I’m Steppin’ In

To help get me reacquainted with my blog (two months after promising to get back at it), let me do an update in list fashion of what has occurred - in my life or in my head - since the spring:

• I had to put Max down because he developed Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia. It was the first time I’d ever been present when a pet has been euthanized, and it was the first time I’d ever had to make that kind of decision on my own. I’m an adult. WEIRD. Anyway, thank God for my vet and my friend B - huge support from both.
• I went to the beach in June. It’s been my only week-long vacation since last winter. I’d like another. BUT it was awesome.
• I went to visit my friend KTK in NYC in July. It was ab fab. We went to a fun party and met fun people, we ate lobster, I discovered Pinkberry, and KT and I laughed and talked and carried on and it was glorious.
• Work has picked up significantly - I am busy as hell.
• Hypochondria continues to be a prevalent force in my life. I’ve had an ultrasound of my ganglion (NOT my imagination - it’s actually a cluster of THREE cysts and I’m going to have an ultrasound-guided aspiration of them soon - whenever they sense that they’re about to be needled, they shrink, so right now I’m under direction to make them bigger so I have to do a lot of push-ups, plank and side-plank yoga poses to exacerbate the problem). I’ve also had one of those tests where you swallow a bunch of barium and they take pictures of it going all the way down to your colon. Super, super fun. I felt like I had just accidentally suckled from the teat of a cement mixer. Thought I had an ulcer but as it turns out, I have a picture-perfect GI tract. Woot. Oh and I think I mentioned but I had an MRI of my brain in the spring because of recurring headaches - and other than obvious defects in my head, it was clear as well. I was sure I had a tumor and was dying.
• I bought a house. I close on 9/10/08. I feel overwhelmed, stressed to the gills, incredibly poor and overextended, but I know that I have a plan and can handle it. I’m also incredibly excited.
• Lots of time for personal reflection about why I’ve failed in romantic relationships and how I can do better.
• Thrilled about Viv and Knox.
• Made my decision about the phone issue - got the LG Voyager in March and stayed with Verizon. LOVE IT.
• Lost two former dear teachers. Two legends. The world will never be the same, but heaven will be much enhanced.
• Caught up with tons of old friends and new ones on Facebook. Am a total addict.
• Lost 12 pounds and no one noticed. Not one single solitary soul. Gained 5 back. I noticed.
• Started going back to former and original, natural haircolor. No one noticed but my mother.
• Made some new friends.
• Joined Twitter.
• Dying for a Wii. Dy-ing. Too poor though (see aforementioned bit about home purchase). Want to get Wii Sports and Wii Fit and go Wii bowling and play Wii tennis and do Wii yoga and… Super Mario whatever. I’m 31 years old. I’m a girl. I will be living alone in my home playing with my Wii. I’m a winner and I love that about myself.
• My lunch 30-minutes - they’re over.

Hopefully, more to come.

• I’m having one of those days where I feel hesitant to capitalize. I just want to be small and unobtrusive in everything I do. You know what I mean?
• I’m freezing. 2 of my fingers are numbish. I have my space heater on high. there was a freeze last night. It’s mid-april, and I live in north carolina. What the heck.
• did you know that if you can change your thoughts, you can change your thought-patterns, and therefore your feelings? and it is possible to control our thoughts. I’m now employing a technique of banning negative thoughts - acknowledging them, but asking them to move on. I think I’ll feel less hurt in general. wish me luck.
• I’m on a completely new food and exercise regime. well, not completely new - it’s just completely new that I’m adhering to it. wish me luck. I plan on being buff by June. because guess what? you cannot hail from the South, be 31 and single, and let the looks go. Particularly when that’s all anyone really values in you anyway! (”anyone” being potential men. I’ve yet to meet anyone who can handle and want the person that comes with the looks - it’s usually one or the other: they can handle it but don’t want to; they want it but can’t handle it…)****Clarification: This does not reflect how it has been with each and every person I’ve dated - just sayin’.
• speaking of melons, today i keep burping and it tastes like “vodka melone” - aka cantelope-flavored vodka with which I used to keep cool during my 2 summers in Italia. It’s a divine taste. I just don’t know where it’s coming from because I’m not eating any melon. nuts!

Haven’t written in days! Life’s been busy, life’s been good, life’s been bad. The past week has been really hard and really hurtful in general, but I’m good. Nice thing is, I’m always ok, and that hasn’t always been the case. Well it has - I’ve always been ok but haven’t always known that, you know?

I was talking to my parents recently, who I’m really close with, and I was saying that I’ve never been happier, although there are some things I’m really, really unhappy about. I wish I could figure out “what I want to do when I grow up;” I wish my career were more exciting and more lucrative; I wish I could find a man who would love me for exactly who I am and who’d treat me well and want to live the adventure of life with me; I wish I could have a family; a house with a back yard; and money to travel. But the nice thing is, I’m happy already, so that when I do get those things, it’ll only augment my current state of mind. I think it’s so crucial for people to reach a place where they’re happy within, because that’s really the only thing we can control. We cannot control the world, the workplace, luck, love, men, women, relationships, pets, etc. We can do our best, but in the end, shit happens, because this world is unfortunately ruled by humans, who are by nature …flawed, and forces of nature beyond our reach.

Anyway why haven’t I been posting? Because I don’t typically have a good reaction when I articulate this kind of thought to someone on a one-to-one basis …it just doesn’t seem well-received, (ie, someone recently said to me, after my attempt to communicate something difficult to reach a healthy place of understanding, that they “just didn’t do this“). In fact, often the folks less comfortable with themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and their feelings - well as soon as they get to know me and hear my views on the world, they don’t like it.  For some reason, to hear my feelings and thoughts makes some people uncomfortable, which I’ll never understand.  Sooooo, I was hesitant to pontificate here on Sniff, but I couldn’t help it - here I am - luckily with the Web you can keep on surfing and you don’t have to read me if you don’t want!

There’s more where this came from, but I gotta be ready for The Bachelor to see others who find true love and acceptance. (HAAAAAAAAA!)